Dr. Crissa Jewel Allen, LCMHC, LCAS-A
(Using the Major Motion Picture, Wicked, as Our Guide)
With the new trailer out for part two of Wicked, the musical, I’ve been reflecting on both Glinda and Elphaba, not to diagnose them, but to normalize from a therapist’s perspective. These two girls show us two faces of people pleasing: sparkly charismatic charm, and stoic self-denial. Both are strategies to feel seen, and maybe that’s what drew them together… and what tore them apart. I love them both… even if green is one of my favorite colors. But I do want to normalize them, using their story to help you. So, I’ll discuss their behavior and how they truly are different sides of the same coin when it comes to people pleasing.
So, what is people pleasing?
People pleasing at its core is a question of priority– where you place others’ opinions and perspectives about who you are and your role in situations, or life at large. It influences the narrative you have about yourself, the story you tell yourself about where you fit. In my opinion, it’s a type of anxiety, a preoccupation with others’ reflections of you, and how you use that information to shift who you are, to maintain the balance at the expense of parts of yourself. When someone people pleases, they take in information about themselves, keenly attuned to how people are perceiving them, and choose to adhere to that, abandoning parts of themselves in a way that creates a dissonant relationship within their own heart, mind, and body.
A need for validation is natural. Though, some systems (like capitalism) tend to remove important aspects of community. Extra feedback takes work and, in some cases, diminishes productivity in an individualistic society. But as humans, community is in our core. The desire for feedback on your behavior is hardwired within us, it’s what drives community and relationships. But because we live in a turbulent environment, it’s your job to honor the desire for feedback while being discerning about where you get it. The problem isn’t wanting feedback/validation. The issue is when we’re not mindful of who is giving us the feedback and not being clear within ourselves about its purpose, placing it inauthentically against our values.
How does this relate to Glinda and Elphaba?
Glinda relishes in her ability to get people to do what she wants, when she wants, settling in her beauty and her niceness to get what she needs. In doing so, she quiets aspects of herself, such as the desire for genuine friendship, for the benefits of having many on her side. This is undoubtedly people pleasing. While it looks like Glinda has everyone eating out of her palm, she instead is extending it, dousing it with perfumes and glittered nail polish so people come. She’s calculated, keenly aware of what others deem as attractive, and bends herself into the image to be liked, to feel seen.
Elphaba is aware that she is different, othered, and not desirable by many, even her own father. Her approach, though, is still surrounded by the glorification of others. It’s no accident that she and Glinda became friends. While surfacing differently, Elphaba resonates with Glinda’s need to be seen, to be valued for who she is. Glinda and Elphaba are both trapped in a system of inferiority (like when society rewards certain traits, like beauty or likability, while punishing others), internalizing messages about their worth with desires of being appreciated. Glinda maintains contorting herself into desired images. Elphaba chooses to stand firm in the outward expression of being green, the thing she can’t control, while trying her best to control her behaviors so that she’s more palatable. They both center people’s expectations.
This is what centering others in your narrative (people pleasing) looks like. It simply appears differently based on personality traits. Glinda is more extroverted, so hers looks like popularity seeking; approaching relationships with herself in the lead is where she finds comfort. Elphaba is introverted, so hers looks like solemn resolve with a touch of stereotypical anxious energy and an avoidant approach to new relationships.
Why is this important to know? What’s the cost of people pleasing?
Sometimes we get so wrapped up in the appearance of what mental health looks like rather than meeting it at its root. People are complex in that our variable personalities and our socialization may shape how certain internal beliefs look externally. Everything isn’t always how it appears. An intimate connection with self, reveals who you really are and where you could improve, so that your life feels whole and fulfilling. People pleasing can lead to anxiety and depression, stealing the joy of life through comparison and the relentless pursuit of others’ validation. It makes it incredibly difficult to lead a life you’d be proud of if others are the measuring stick. If this sounds like you, and you’d like to make a change, therapy may be for you. Let’s do the hard work of sifting through what others expect of you and what you’d like from yourself. Let’s find your values amid the bustle of others’ whispers. Whether you’re Glinda, Elphaba, or someone in between, you deserve to live a life patterned from who you truly want to be and not who others want you to be.
Is it people pleasing or empathy? How do I find the line?
Friendships: Glinda’s prank becomes Elphaba’s crown
Now, if you have questions about whether you’re people pleasing, let’s look at how it can appear in friendships using the infamous scenes leading up to Glinda’s gift of Elphaba’s iconic hat. By this time in the movie, Glinda has a vested interest in Elphaba as someone she cares about. However, she is confronted by her typical coping pattern (a pattern of behavior we develop to stay emotionally safe) of being nice, agreeable, and congruent with standards that maintain her social status. She hesitates with Pfannee’s encouragement to “gift” a black hat her grandma gave her to Elphaba, aware of her heart for Elphaba and what it may mean, empathy. Ultimately, she becomes fearful of changes in social status should she oppose, finding it easier to appease her friends in the situation. Because why would she not give Elphaba the hat? Isn’t that part of the script? Isn’t that what they’re expecting of her, what she should do? This is the people pleasing; using others’ expectations of who you ought to be in place of your own values. Romantic Relationships: Fiyero’s fence-sitting
For an analysis of what this could look like in romantic encounters, let’s look at Fiyero. Fiyero has found comfort in the role of the bad boy. He’s antagonizing to ruled systems, but still manages to occupy a palatable archetype so people relate to him, offering him popularity and social power. On the surface, he seems to do what Glinda does to get by. But his value of challenging rules and authority meshes well with Elphaba’s hardened approach in her preoccupation with others’ expectations. Fiyero, for moments, is confronted with a yearning to cope differently. He briefly follows his value of challenging systems when he assists Elphaba in the rescue of a baby lion, but becomes trapped by his coping mechanism of maintaining just enough bad to seem cool without disrupting the natural order of things. He does benefit from the systems after all and would rather not risk his place. Everyone expects him to pick Glinda, and he knows this intimately, so he does.
Family Relationships: Elphaba’s gaze
Elphaba’s persistent desire for her father’s validation is apparent throughout, displaying consistently what people pleasing can look like in family dynamics and how parents shape children’s identity. Elphaba, because of her father’s attitude toward her, learns to relentlessly pursue validation with an awareness of her perceived inadequacy. She internalizes, embodying it as a collection of personality traits, dysfunctions with self-esteem. Elphaba has a soft spot for authority, seeking someone to finally tell her definitively what to do and who to be so she can be accepted. She accepts her father’s rudeness often, believing that if she just anticipated her family’s needs more, or controlled herself a bit more, she’d finally belong. This is at the core of people pleasing.
Healing from Chronic People pleasing– what if Glinda said no? What if Elphaba asked for support?
So, what’s the path to redemption? How does one heal from chronic people pleasing? In Glinda’s context, what if she finally made the choice to maintain her value of genuine connection and escaped with Elphaba? Well, we wouldn’t have a major grossing film on our hands lol. No, but seriously, Glinda would have, for the first time in her life, gotten the thing she truly wanted. It would likely come at a cost; most things do. But who can put a price on the loyalty you get from a best friend with Elphaba’s kind of resolve? Glinda likely would have been richer for it. And Elphaba, what if she lowered her guard just a bit more? Maybe she could’ve gotten more people on board with her mission, making a larger impact in Oz. Maybe it would’ve given her a larger network, allowing her to feel fulfilled and make a difference.
For you, the reader, how you practice this is that you get very nosy about your thoughts and feelings. You may feel it in your stomach or hear it in your voice if you have an awareness of your values. You’ll begin to ask yourself 1. Is what is being asked of me congruent with my values? 2. Am I costing myself anything emotionally, psychologically, or physically by saying yes to this thing? 3. How does my body, mind, spirit/emotional self feel after saying yes? Answers to any of these questions will likely lead you down a path of boundary setting, determining what feels best for you when it comes to other people’s perceptions and expectations.
Bottom line – It’s okay to desire validation. Just fix your environment so that you’re not feeding yourself with stale crumbs. You do this by validating yourself first through an awareness of your values, then checking in with others who you know will celebrate you, healthily.
If this resonates with you, let’s get you scheduled. Sifting through the noise to find out who you are at your core, making your life feel comfy for you, by you, is my specialty. I’d be honored to assist. But whether it’s with me, another therapist, or in the comfort of self, I encourage you to find what’s authentic for you. You deserve it! Being liked is nice. But being known and still loved is healing.