Jessica Carlyle MS, LCMHCA
Have you ever felt like, as an adult, you are still walking on eggshells, or monitoring your speech and expression, or even dreading spending time with your parents or family members? This feeling is seemingly common across generations. What truly sucks is that society makes it seem as if we “owe it” to our parents or families to continue relationships… even when they are unhealthy.
You may have grown up with responsibilities far too inappropriate for your age: doing the household laundry at seven years old, cooking all daily family meals at age ten, or caring for your younger siblings (bathing, clothing, feeding, getting them off to school, ensuring homework is completed, getting them to bed in the evenings) by age twelve. Perhaps you were responsible for your parents’ happiness by playing the sports they wanted you to play, getting straight A’s to avoid hearing how well “so and so’s” child did, or even having to pay the bills for the household and supporting irresponsible parents.
The Path to People-Pleasing
All of these experiences can lead us to become “people-pleasers”. People-pleasing behaviors often involve prioritizing the needs of others over your own, or “keeping the peace” within the family dynamic to avoid confrontation and conflict. People-pleasers have a hard time saying “no,” even when their own mental, physical, and emotional plates are full.
The “Stones in a Bookbag” Analogy
I like to think of people-pleasing tasks as stones in a bookbag. Imagine this scenario: you work full-time, are married, and have two children. Perhaps you also chair an organizational board and are in charge of planning all city events. On top of that, your neighbor asked you to start hosting a book club on Thursdays, but the kids have practice 30 minutes before book club starts, and your spouse doesn’t get off work until after it’s over. Yet, you agree because “the neighbor is nice, and what would it hurt?” Then, you are asked to be involved with the kids’ PTA at school. Everyone tells you, “I don’t know where you find the time or how you do it all.” Your parents expect you to meet with them for a weekly meal, and you might even throw in working extra hours for your colleagues.
You might handle this relatively well for a year or two, and then BAM! You feel like you are losing your mind, with no idea how you did it all for so long. Your body is fatigued, you have no motivation to do anything, yet you still do it anyway. Your backpack is FULL of stones. Setting boundaries can be like removing some of those stones to lighten your load and improve your mental health.
The Importance of Boundaries
Setting boundaries can significantly help with this. You are in control of when and how often you want to spend time with your family or parents. Setting boundaries is hard for both parties: the adult child and the family members who aren’t used to you setting boundaries. It is pretty common for toxic family members to push against your boundaries or even feel upset by them! Although it can feel incredibly hard to maintain a boundary, you are capable!
What Do Boundaries Look Like?
So, what can these boundaries look like? What are examples of common boundaries?
Limiting Phone Calls:
“I will only make contact with them one day per week.” (as in, they can call all they want, but I will only answer 1 time)
Limiting Your Visits:
“I will only visit on holidays and special occasions.”
Not Allowing Negative Comments:
“Mom, I will not tolerate you calling me stupid. If you do it again, I will leave.”
Saying ‘No’:
“No, I will not take your shift. Maybe you can find someone else to cover your shift.”
Notice some common themes: boundaries are all about YOUR actions, and what YOU will do. Boundaries do not set rules for others’ behavior – only your own. Because at the end of the day, all we can actually control is what we do.
It’s hard to decide how or what boundaries to set with friends, work, and family, especially parents, but you can do this. Your mental health, your physical health, and your emotional well-being are worth it in the long run.