Without making any inferences or commentary on the potential outcome of the Lindsay Clancy trial or theories about what happened, we know that just as with life in general, more than one thing can be true at the same time.
This trial has definitely brought the topic of postpartum depression and psychosis into the national spotlight. Many people who have experienced these symptoms in postpartum know the feelings of isolation and shame that can accompany them, due to our society’s general refusal to offer real and tangible support and care, and to insist that everyone find months of caring for an infant nothing but joyful. There is often a judgment, however subtle, turned towards a new parent who is expressing depression, lack of connection to their infant, heightened anxiety, intrusive and scary thoughts, or psychotic symptoms.
Of the few informed treatment options that exist, many people don’t have access. Then, when you take what we know about the abysmal treatment of Black birthing people and maternal health, the rates of diagnosis and support drop even more.
How things immediately played out with the arrival of first responders also highlights white privilege.
This country has a lot to answer for.
In these days of relentless capitalism, where most regular people are on the grind to try to pay bills and families are often spread apart due to need to re-locate for work or education, many parents no longer have “a village” to raise a child with, making the parenting role that much harder. Lindsay Clancy had financial resources, family members who could come and help out, a paid nanny, etc and was still struggling and looking for treatment and help but finding little relief. Those who’ve experienced postpartum depression or psychosis can empathize with that feeling of isolation or hopelessness at times.
At the same time, there is another group of people who are recognizing a lot of what they’re seeing in this trial and that is survivors of narcissistic abuse, whether their abuser was a parent, a partner/spouse, or both.
What the general public may not know, but survivors of narcissistic abuse sure do is that one hallmark of this type of abuse is the lack of care for the other person during illness or injury. Not only will the narcissistic abuser generally neglect to show empathy or provide care when the partner (or child) is unwell, they often will express frustration or even anger and resentment about it. It’s common for this type of abuser to physically leave the person alone during illness or recovery from surgery, etc and emotionally to leave the person alone to figure things out as far as treatment goes. They generally will also refuse to accept a diagnosis of a partner or family member if it is one they perceive to somehow reflect badly on themselves.
Abuse survivors are recognizing signs of gaslighting, ongoing criticism and contempt, confusing behaviors, and know that when someone is experiencing these kinds of things from their abuser for years it causes the person to doubt their own reality, their own ability to know what’s actually happening, and their own intuition. They become more easily influenced. This is part of how we describe “coercive control”.
Covert narcissists often like to portray themselves publicly as “family” people, taking their children in public when it suits them, posting selfies or bragging about their child’s milestones or accomplishments to friends, but doing very little of the actual parenting, handling almost no logistics of childcare, and often being verbally, psychologically, financially, and sometimes physically abusive to the other parent in front of their children. They are almost never abusive to anyone besides their own family unit and only in private so they usually go undetected.
Narcissistic abusers tend to act up on holidays or special days, doing whatever they can do disrupt or ruin the ability for the other person to enjoy that day.
Narcissists often start a “smear campaign” against their partner/spouse some time before they discard them. This can look like hinting to family and friends that something is wrong with their partner, referencing problems the person has (whether true or false), lying and making up complete stories about the person to people in professional roles when the spouse or partner has no idea.
When the narcissist is ready to “discard” the person, either because they’re ready to start a new life with someone else and want no reminders of the old life, or because the other person starts to see behind their mask, realize they’re being abused and confronts them, the “discard” is much easier because they’ve already planted the seeds of the smear campaign so that their community and social network will see the partner as a problem, flawed, at fault, or even the one doing all the things the narcissist has really been doing behind closed doors.
Projection itself (accusing another person of doing exactly what they have done) is another hallmark trait. Also, often the abuse doesn’t stop with the discard, it increases.
Overlapping relationships or starting a new relationship within days or weeks of their relationship ending is another hallmark of narcissistic abusers, and if you look at their relationship history, is usually a pattern.
So this trial has been emotionally activating and also validating in some ways for many people across the country. If you’re struggling with postpartum depression, anxiety, or psychotic symptoms, or if you recognize that you’re in an unhealthy or abusive relationship, you’re not alone.
This is a moment where people are talking about these things to each other, even yelling about them so they won’t be glossed over. I believe that moments like this can lead to change.
It can be hard to look for help, to keep going when the first places or people you talk to don’t get it and to try with somebody else. I know. And…there are people out there who do get it and who want you to not keep going it alone.
You ARE worth it, you CAN get to a different place and some small part of you knows that.